Two silly wags

Once made their brags

Fun at a fad to poke.

One wrote the rhyme

And all the time

Felt sure the muse would joke.

The picture man

In glee began

To illustrate the verse

The task is done

It will be fun

To see which is the worse.

A stands for Axle

The best will often break

When they do - look out

A header you will take.

Where are you going my pretty maid?

To the automobile show Sir she said

And do you intend to buy a machine?

Oh no I'm only going there to be seen.

B stands for Breakdown

They happen every day

If you're far from home

For tow you have to pay.

Little Jack Horner would dash 'round a corner

And never would slow up a bit

He'd not even warn

With a toot of his horn

The rabble and dogs that he's hit.

C stands for Chassis

Another word for frame

Made of steel but often

Collapses just the same.

This poor little crank on automobiles

Banished her sables and minks and seals

Now dressed in a coat

Like an old nanny goat

She wishes she looked as well as she feels.

D stands for Danger

A warning you should heed

If you are not careful

The ambulance you'll need.

Jack and Gill

Sped up the hill

The tubes got out of water

Up blew the car

and now Gill's pa

Has no dear little daughter.

E stands for Engine

Their cylinders explode

What t'ell-plenty more

Don't block up the road!

Old Mme. Lafarge

Went to the garage

To give her poor dog a ride

"For repairs they're all gone"

Said the chauffeur folorn

So there isn't an auto inside.

F stands for Fender

To save you from the splash

But useless if a frisky plug

Through the mud should dash.

Good Thing Cole

Was a silly old soul

A silly old ass was he

He called for the star

But he got her mama

While the chorus sang with glee.

G stands for Goggles

To shield your eyes from dust

Seems as if a sandstorm

Came with every gust.

Three silly young men from gay Paree

In automobile boats went to sea

The tale of the trip wouldn't be so short

But the frail little crafts in a squall were caught.

H stands for Horn

To give a little snort

And start a runaway

Is most exciting sport.

Mistress Mazie

Almost crazy

Why won't your auto go?

It may be bourgeois

In a cheap trolley car

But really it isn't so slow.

I stands for Ignite

What the gas should do

Often everything ignites

What's left aint worth a sou.

Tom Tom - the banker's son

Killed a pig just for fun

Farmer thought he ought to pay.

Gosh darned chap dashed right away.

J stands for Judge

Who fines you if you speed

He scorches on a haycart

Your porte-monnaie you'll need

Mad'moiselle Bonneau

Sat in the tonneau

Speeding her auto one day

Up rode the gendarme

She felt no alarm

But merrily kept on her way.

K stands for Kerosene

He thought it would be fun

To sell the stuff for gasoline

Now see what he's done.

Little Tom Tomobile

Put his money in a deal

But his margins went so low

The auto also had to go.

L stands for Lamps

Bright with acetylene

To flash them on a park settee

Is funny but it's mean.

There was a blond lady

Who sang on the stage

She had so many autos

She got to be the rage

The garage caught fire

Her angel looked sore

She only smiled and said

"Run off and buy some more."

M stands for Muffler

The noise it tries to stop

Isn't half so bad as

What you hear on top.

Dickery Dickery Dock

The Constable held a clock

But he'd better not heed

The rate of their speed

Or he'll get a terrible shock.

N stands for Nuts

To keep the wheels on tight

Yet they often get unscrewed

What a fearful plight!

Humpty Dumont had a baloon

Thought that he could sail to the moon

Three score motors and three score more

Wouldn't make Humpty's air ship soar.

O stands for Overcharge

No wonder he is sore

The auto cost him quite a sum

Repairs now cost him more.

Taffy was a balet girl

And Taffy was the craze

Taffy stole Johnies' hearts

With her winning ways

An old man smiled at Taffy

And Taffy she smiled too

Taffy got an auto car

He got "Merci Beaucoup"

P stands for Pump

You must know when to stop

For if you keep on blowing

Something's sure to pop

Scorcher Simon

Met a pieman

In an auto race

Said the pieman

To Scorcher Simon

What a killing pace.

Q stands for Quench

For an automobiler's thirst

Is just like a tank to fill

That has no bottom to burst.

Mary had a racing car

It certainly was fast

Every auto that she saw

She overtook and passed

She tried to beat a train

Dashed across the track

Up goes the speedy thing

We don't expect her back.

R stands for Rubber

The sap from out a tree

Used for tires on the wheels

And necks on those who see.

Montague Pike

Could ride no bike

His wife could ride no horse

But a motorette

He chanced to get

Which saved him from divorce.

S stands for Sparker

That starts the engine going

If it's going to spark or not

There's never any knowing.

The Queen of Spades

Met two blades

Who took her for a ride.

One was a knave

And did behave

Unfit to sit beside.

His friend a king

Then tried to fling

The knave out of the car.

The queen of spades

Left these blades

Before it went too far.

T stands for Tonneau

An ideal way to elope

Irate dad far behind

Loosing breath and hope.

High diddle diddle

Here is a riddle

Who is this French grandee?

Why just for today

The owner's away

So his chauffeur is way up in gee.

U stands for Upholstering

Fine leather on the seats

Cushions stuffed with hair

For her hand and feet.

Peter Peter was a jay

Had a wife who ran away

Motorcycle then he bought

Now his wayward spouse is caught.

V stands for Victim

It would indeed be tame

If you motored all day long

With no one you could maim.

Little Bo Peep

She lost her sleep

In automobile car rides

But never you mind

For fun she'll find

As swiftly along she glides

W stands for Winner

The reason he's ahead

All of his competitors

Are broken down or dead.

Sing a song of hard luck

A nasty horrid prank

Standing in the muddy road

Trying to whirl the crank

Suddenly she starts the car

You jump back like a fool

Diable-Fudge Mon Dieu!

How can she be so cruel?

X stands for Expense

Not quite but it will do

If you should get the craze

Expense will quite do you.

"Won't you buy one of my autos"

Said the salesman at the show

"We always take the highest prize

For style and speed you know."

"If you cars are all you claim

Your prices aren't so high

Just take me for a trial ride"

But she rode and didn't buy.

Y stands for Yuletide

When all is white and gay

Wheels get frozen fast in snow

You'll wish you had a sleigh.

There was a crooked chauffeur

Who had a crooked face

Along a crooked highway

He steered a crooked race

And he hit a crooked cow

That stood in a crooked brook

Now stop this crooked nonsense

Or you too will be a crook.

Z stands for Zebras

Extinct they soon will be

For the fittest must survive

The savants all agree.

Big Boy Blue

Come blow your horn

He's spoiled my shine

And mashed my corn

Oh were is he cop

To stop that truck?

In yonder doorway

Fast asleep-what luck!

Don't be too hard

On this poor bard

And Pal-both did their best.

The charge is grave

But neither knave

Intended but to jest.

They wrote and drew

Until they grew

To rave on auto cars

So now their fate

Sad to relate

Is padded cell and bars.